Tag Archives: Vernon Kay

Texting

Texting is for young people who want sex with each other and need to arrange a time and place to have it. (Or Vernon Kay who wants it but is not allowed to have it.)

It suits them perfectly because it is a made-up language with lazy grammatical rules and they don’t need to fiddle around with those nasty little ink cartridges that stain your hands.

Pity the children of the 60s and 70s who have caught onto its coat-tails, like an embarrassing Mum wearing flares at the school gates. They know nothing of this world, even though their own parents are managing to Skype like bastards.

Talking on the phone is a risky business. It is fraught with nuance and the possibility of the other person Talking For Too Long or Raising an Unforeseen Topic.

Facebook is like cabaret and has rendered emails dry as a bone, not to mention steeped in zombie potential ever since a grubby spin doctor typed about it being a good day to bury bad news.

Texting gets you straight to the source on your own terms: intimate and impersonal, functional and frivolous, it’s the perfect conversation- one where you don’t have to listen, reply or disguise the contempt in your voice.

Even so, women can read more into a text than into the Declaration of Human Rights, eyeballing their phone incredulously, gasping, ‘How are you? What the hell is that supposed to mean? It’s taken him 2 hours and 43 minutes to reply to my last text. How the hell am I supposed to be?’

Regular texters develop a style their regular textees understand and aren’t offended by. It may be exclamation mark-heavy or brutally to the point but as long as they stick to it everyone knows where they stand. In this territory, a typo can spell trubbly and ‘c u later’ a vicious snub if it comes from the wrong mobile number.

That said, vicar texts are always creepy and capitals mean SHOUTING.

Phones too need to be compatible, as any jobbing Nokia scrambling the arse out of an iPhone missive will testify.

Every now and then, in the middle of a text orgy, one party takes it upon themselves to decide it’s silly to do all this texting- we may as well talk.

WRONG!

This changes the level of the playing field and exhibits an ETI (Emotional Texting Intelligence) that is wanting, making them the last person in the world with whom you would want a real dialogue.

Certain textual emotions are universal: the heart skip at the beep alert; the ‘chosen one’ feeling of a message flashing up in silent mode; the confusion resulting from a delayed text agreeing with something you sent outside Texting Real Time, necessitating a laborious scroll through the sent box.

Textual content, on the other hand, can be customised; several decisions must be made: capitals after full stops or lower case throughout- it’s a question of conformity; abbreviations (Wend for week-end) and textspeak (gr8) , a marker of age; use of smiley faces :), hahaha and lol, mental stability.

Predictive text is Simon Cowell: contrived, bonkers and unhelpful if you want to express individuality; funny if you’re pissed.

The most rewarding of the texting lexicon is the truncated sentence: ‘buying tomatoes’ transforms your Mum into a Wall Street trader while firing off ‘am outside’ could catapult even Nick Clegg into The Bourne Supremacy.

And the most controversial? The ‘x’, of course. Or the size, number, lack thereof.

It can re-appear in dreams as a punch in the face or a violation, start or finish a relationship and make a riddle of a post code.

Be afraid. b v. frAd.

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The World of Dee Mahone

Is that the smell of tight-fistedness wafting around the generously-mortgaged home?

On the contrary.

Those are the wonderful, life-affirming scents of The World of Dee Mahone, bringing dreams to life through the magical medium of aroma.

The World of Dee Mahone features an audacious collection of premium cremes, colognes and candles providing scented lubrication to loosen stubborn credit cards from leather wallets.

In a room be-decked with the soft whisper of Sprouting Garden Olive Suggestion you can wave goodbye to unemployment city and travel back to dizzy memories of all-expenses paid lunches on the Mediterranean terraces of Michelen-starred establishments.

Or why not take a tub of Rosemary Effluvium Creme Anglaise to rub on the wife’s sternum after you’ve shared the news of your cleaner’s imminent dismissal?

Wherever you choose to dive into Dee’s odorous panorama you will be sure to find a need we have created especially for you.

Dee’s Story

Dee may wear a lot of loose-fitting clothes but she is renowned for having one of the most exacting noses in the business, re-interpreting her life’s experiences as perfect perfumed memories, sniff by sniff.

She started tinkering around with her father’s colognes in the bathroom aged 5, when it was clear to her family she had a commercial nose.

By the time she was a teenager she was giving sensual massages to all the neighbours and ended up with quite a client base, I can tell you.

She had a lightness of touch still being talked about today and an intuitive understanding of the arousing potential of a pungent oil, a soothing cream, a ball of wax.

Soon she was using it to make herself her very own happy ending, The World of Dee Mahone.

Dee’s World

With a store closing down a clinic in a prime location around the world every 2 seconds and a loyal following of high-profile celebrities, the successful whiff of Dee Mahone is one in which every person you care about should be submerging themselves as often as possible.

Famous for using un-foldable-downable rigid boxes swathed in acres of inch-think ribbon and tissue paper clouds The World of Dee Mahone knows eco-friendliness doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with Zsa Zsa Gabor fabulousness, vowing always to put the customer before the silly old environment.

From the moment a lucky recipient clocks the iconic packaging you can be confident that they know the amount you care for them is in direct relation to how much you have managed to spank on perfumed wax. *

* bear this in mind if you opt for the sampler sets

Dee’s inspiration

Dee’s sensory gift puts her on permanent odour alert, turning every day occurrences into golden product opportunities.

She could be running through wheat fields with a poppy in her hair on Monday and by noon the following day the kernal of a Toasted Summer Cereal Foot Serum will already be blossoming in time for Father’s Day.

Or maybe she’ll see a banker in a sharp suit and the smell of Savile Row stitching will send her passionately running back to her country kitchen to fiddle well into the night with distilled essences and profit margins.

Fragrance Building

This is a brave new concept with a smell all of its own: spray a Dee Mahone cologne onto your skin and once it has dried spray another on top, like a construction worker building an Olfactory Stimulant Tower.

It’s an ingenious way of helping you work through the whole range, taking you on a dreamy journey- destination: your next purchase.

Some may choose to build a two-story fragrance tower that merely elicits a widening of the eyes.

Others may want to go all-out for a bold skyscraper, with traces of their aura occupying rooms long after they have left.

Fragrance Stretching

How incredible to illuminate the joy on the face of a loved one with a colossal 312-wick candle, just perfect for cheering up aircraft carriers and available in a variety of odours inspired by Dee’s trips to Beirut in the 1980s.

Or new to the range are her innovative Paperwork Sprays, with the dusky topnotes of boar, undergrowth and elm, turning dreary bill-paying into a skip through Epping Forest.

And for those who still can’t spend enough, don’t forget the Special Edition festive treat Yuletide Slipper Mist, which marries the outer skin of the Frankincense leaf with the fantasy of an Elf’s body odour, to make Christmas morning an exceptional Dee Mahone experience.

*

We entreat you not to delay.

Sell the house, the dog, your fourth child and smell your way to self-validation.

The World of Dee Mahone believes that only losers stink.

‘I’ve ordered the whole Otters Bottom collection for Jools. It makes her want to make boy children for me.’ Jamie Olliver

‘ I like to smooth Limoncello Marmalade Velveteen Ganache on my hair and have Tess lick it off after a session with Bruce Forsythe.’ Vernon Kaye

Visionary Mushroom Cuticle Balm helped me win the election.’ Gordon Browne

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