Dear Auntie Soph,
How right you were.
I’m so naff I could marry Geri Halliwell at a Sandals Resort.
Not too-naff-for-Hoxton but properly white Ugg boot naff- right to the tips of my highlighted hair.
I feel like I’ve been trapped in some kind of hellish media-world merry-go-round and you’ve come along and set me free.
Everything about me was a lie (apart from my thing for karaoke, which friends thought was ironic but wasn’t).
I’m out and proud and being slightly too friendly to cool people.
I’m telling them that I like white bread.
Not hunks of thick-crusted rosemary and walnut bloomer but thick-cut Sunblest slices with iceberg lettuce in the middle. And malt vinegar.
I’m rubbing their eye-shadow free faces in my French manicures and taking mail-order catalogue gifts to their ‘kitchen suppers’, with a bunch of garage flowers.
Before your letter I was ashamed to say three little words. Now I’m prepared to shout ‘Malibu and Pineapple!’ from the back of the Eight Bar.
I love Dale Winton, roller-blading and yellow sports cars.
I think Mr Bean is comic dynamite.
Plus I’m going to let my parents stay with me and leave the house in daylight. They’re not as naff as me but they are old and unsightly.
Gastropubs are arse.
If you want the truth, lentils make me gag.
I crave breaded mushrooms at a Harvester.
And if it’s my birthday I want them to turn the lights off and for the whole restaurant to sing to me over a Viennetta with sparklers in it.
Don’t give me a glass of dry white wine, for crying out loud.
I want it sweet and I want a bottle. Wearing a dinner jacket wine-cooler.
And at Christmas you can ***k off with your Jo Malone.
I want a perfume gift set from BHS and tickets to see Gareth Gates. In anything.
Today in Waterstones I bought a copy of ‘Girl Power’ when I was waiting at the desk to pay for Kerry Katona’s autobiography.
I’ve enclosed it for you to sign (remember to dot your ‘i’ with a little heart).
Love and hugs,
Blissfully Naff from Hammersmith xoxoxox
Dear Blissfully Naff from Hammersmith,
Please stop writing to me.