I took time off today from searching for solutions to world problems in order to sort out the criminal negligence that is Kids’ Clothes Mountain.
It involves sorting on an industrial level and gives me much grief because:
1. It’s mundane.
2. I feel uncomfortable when things are outside their categories.
3. There’s never enough space to store stuff.
4. I hate the notion of storing stuff.
5. I hate storing the stuff.
I’m surrounded by sartorial mess and bags and boxes when I come across a rogue pair of pants that are too small for either of the boys and so belong in a category I’m not even dealing with (0-2 years), thus offering a tangential strand to my headache.
‘What happens next? What happens next?’!
Well, I go on a mental journey- where ‘mental’ is used colloquially and not helpfully, as one unlucky human being (Rufus) actually had to be a part of it.
What am I going to do with these pants? So annoying. They don’t belong here. But I can’t be bothered to go and find the baby bag to put them into. What can I do with them? I know, maybe I can do something funny with them. Shall we do something funny with these pants, Rufus? Yes, OK, that’s a good idea. Let’s put them on one of your soft toys. Would that be funny? Rufus? Rufus? Sod it, I think that would be funny. OK, let’s find an animal. How about this dog, it’s perfect:
Hmm, they sort of fit but his tail has to be stuffed into them and that would be uncomfortable. Stupid me, it’s a toy! But still, his tail shouldn’t be stuffed in like that. I would feel regret every time I looked at him.
How about this bear? He’s a little bit small but that doesn’t matter- hey, this is just a bit of fun! No-one will see!
But still, he is that bit too small and they just don’t fit. I’ll do the puzzle in a minute, Rufus- Mummy’s just busy doing funny things with the pants. What’s that? How about Bambi?
OK, let’s try Bambi. See, we’re even managing to have fun while looking for practical solutions at the same time- isn’t this great?
No, that’s not cool, Darling, that really doesn’t work. The proportions are all wrong, it looks like a nappy or something. And it detracts from his form somehow. All wrong.
Let’s have a dig around… piggy perhaps. Yes, puzzle in a minute, just need to stuff in piggy.
Now here we have a problem, Ruff. See, the pants are a perfect fit but what’s the best thing about piglets? Come on, you should know this. What’s the best thing about piglets, Rufus? Concentrate. I’m asking you a question. Fine, I’ll answer it myself. It’s their little curly tails, yes it is. And this one’s got a slightly suede-y finish. It would be a sad thing to squash that away.
Then I took the pants off the piggy.
Then I photographed the toys in the pants to tell the story.
Then I went to find the baby box and put the pants in it.
Then I heard the innermost part of my soul crying out and weeping.
Have a good week-end.