Summer Clothes

 

 

 

 

If you are a British woman who hasn’t been 18 years old within the last 10 years, read on.

For as long as you are UK-based in the Summer season, you have only two sartorial options: cover up or stay inside.

You weren’t born to do this, it’s not your thing. You’re good at table manners and online shopping- Summer clothes, not so much.

Forget skin colour (though acres of the grey-blue sort could always be saved for the wretch who put a ring on it- just a thought).

It’s about colour colour- the stuff that says you’re alive within and sassy and eat anchovies at tapas bars after hopping off your Vespa.

Home-grown gals shouldn’t attempt it. When the mercury rises above 23 degrees, our sensibility goes into free-fall.

Suddenly we’re off-piste; complaining and sweating at the same time is bothersome and sarcasm feels wrong. We start to sleuth frantically for the style secrets of our Continental sisters but something gets lost in translation, a few miles outside Bradford.

So you’ve found a sunny picture of your Mum looking soignee in the 60’s with a bee-hive, in some crepe de chine?

It was a one-off; she never wore Summer clothes either- that’s why she got someone to take a photograph of her when she did.

Slogans and surf motifs and ‘brights’. Tunics, playsuits, florals, halter-necks, waist-high shorts. Blazers, linen, gingham, gypsy tops, tie-die, Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. T-shirt dresses, floppy hats, beach bags, capri pants. Kaftans, festival gear, sunnies (expensive), jewellery (cheap). Jean Seaberg stripes, whispy scarves, floaty skirts. Skorts. Camp blouses. All safari-wear. Anything ‘sportif’. Every single piece of Cruise Collection apparel that has ever been made. The preponderance of peacock blue and burnt orange. An entire wardrobe’s-worth of ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!’

It’s like a desperate romp through the inspiration vortex of Karl Lagerfeld’s brain after he’s got wind of a rival’s catwalk triumph.

Maxis, minis, camis: all tragi.

There isn’t one single trend in which you won’t look a disaster, and the optimistic way you’ll try and fail to wear it, will only make matters worse.

‘Actually, I’ve got this rather sweet…’

No! How can I put this? That’s the one you look worst in. Book groups talk about you in ‘that dress’ and not because it’s held together with saucy safety pins.

Shoes are even worse. Strappies, platforms, ‘fit’ flops, sandals- like Russell Crowe in drag walking off the set of Gladiator into sun-congealed Leyland paint pot samples.

Pedicures do not equal pampering or ‘you’ time. They’re trotter worship. Toes are, de-facto, nasty little items. Keep them away from thongs and jewels and stuff them back into polyester socks, where they belong.

You don’t look frivolous or glamorous or less like the psychotic bunny boiler your Winter clothes allow you to be, just because you’ve sailed down the road in poplin.

You still look needy and almost bursting with a desire to bitch about the domestic chores your partner doesn’t help with.

Plus you are, in fact, wearing holiday clothes, which are an entirely different species to everyday Summer clothes. And no-one wants to see your sun-downer sex look at the school gates.

So heed the kindest thing anyone will say to you this Summer…

You’re only 6 weeks away from depression.

Don a pair of wincyette pj’s and stock up on St John’s Wort.

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under Mumbo Life, Mumbo Obsessions, Uncategorized

6 responses to “Summer Clothes

  1. Jane m

    I have realised that white trous should not be seen this side of the channel unless you are called Pam and live in Milton Keynes

    • The Lodger

      You think you`ve got it bad?What about poor men over 30!!
      We of the sandals and socks brigade!! The only thing we have to look forward to this summer is the ”rasta” collection from M&S !!

      • mumbo

        Ha, the Lodger! Don’t knock that rasta collection. I can see you working it in Stow on the Wold to good effect.

    • mumbo

      On consideration, I think you’d look quite natty in a pair, Godmother Jane.

  2. adele

    A cheesecloth top (one size fits all) and a homemade skirt combo saw me through two summers way back when I was 12 years old so I feel my ongoing fashion fluff ups were planted and yes, embraced from an early age?
    My cunning secret these days is to get the worst hairdo possible, cleverly coupled with an unflattering dye and, well, bingo……all unwanted attention paid to what one is wearing goes out of the window! People are more concerned about your physical wellbeing and mental stability? Always a good ice breaker I find ;))

    • mumbo

      I remember that cheesecloth top, Darling, and dare I say 2 Summers is an estimate on the conservative side? Damn cheek! The nest is always a delight- don’t know what you on-a-bart:) xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s