The Rich on Holiday

As if things weren’t going pretty well for you before you draped yourself in a pashmina and slurped champagne from a plastic flute, you feel entitled to mooch around extra-slowly under palm trees too.

Decked out in Cruise Collections, your shiny toenails peeking out from sandals whose single leather thongs still cost more than you’re paying the Phillipino couple to keep the home fires burning.

Removing your floppy hat to paw at silky highlights and fat earrings, bikini held together by costume jewellery.

Sparkly bits on everything that isn’t the enormous gold beach tote housing one tiny tube of SPF750 Karl Lagerfeld lip balm.

Sunglasses conspicuously folded on the table, hot fourth finger bulging in its platinum boa constrictor.

Your other half in creased linens, George Hamilton tan, sweaty wrist weighted by Successful Watch.

Chasing around thirty dollar salad leaves under stylish ceiling fans whirring in well-maintained unison.

Your long-limbed kids sulky in white shorts and head phones, fresh from the stupidly-shaped pool, hair so blond it hurts.

When just down the road, you could be getting a pina colada with a cocktail-speared glace cherry.

Joking with the bar staff, making the acquaintance of a family of four from Spalding (one boy, one girl).

Getting comfy on a wicker chair, swaying to some steel drum popular covers.

Thanking God you’re not at the extreme end of the beach with the tightly-packed floral brollies and scorched non-tightly packed flesh.

Being sold a big shell or a trip on an inflatable chair going really fast behind a speedboat.

The sand is better where you are because the locals tread it like it’s yours and the tourists are busy in the local market stuffing clothes-staining souvenirs into shoulder bags.

But watch out for the sun.

Nothing makes it feel more exclusive than zapping a botoxed brow.

And there’s no greater leveler than a burnt nose.



Filed under Mumbo Life, Mumbo Obsessions, Uncategorized

3 responses to “The Rich on Holiday

  1. adele

    Such a brilliant picture you paint! Hilarious. However, I’m finding nowt wrong (and indeed bordering on green eyed) with the idea of chasing ’round 30 dollar salad leaves! Nouvelle cuisine is worth every penny in my book, tho’ we all know a certain gent from Worthing who’d turn the colour of a lettuce leaf itself at the thought! lol xxxxxxx

  2. adele

    PS. Love the couple from Spalding! My nightmare fictitious pair are ‘Dougie and Maureen from Manchester’. You can ‘spot’ them a mile off…….vulgarly rich (thanks to some dubious businesses) but sans culture or taste. They want to join you at every possible opportunity throughout your hols and bore you rigid, unable to read the non verbal signs on your part that scream “F**K OFF”. Maureen rattles on regaling one with tales of her cleaver/successful/practical ‘mad’ joker husband while he basks smugly in the glory, slowly rubbing suntan lotion in to his already fried belly.
    Meanwhile, he boasts about their two useless adult offspring who’ve done
    nothing of note save spend his hard earned on half baked ‘fail safe’ business schemes! This is why I am fearful of cruises as there is no chance of avoiding this couple (they’d have your cabin number in a nano second and pop by nightly for pre meal drinks… wam sparkling wine that they generously bring with them to ‘treat’ you). The only words you’d like to hear a member of crew shout is ‘man overboard’. But then Poirot would turn up and to save him the trouble, I would have to ‘fess immediaitely! xx

    nothing of note save spend his hard earned!

    • mumbo

      God, I hope that’s us one day:) Thing is, you know very well you’d be patiently listening to said stories and making them feel dastardly interesting, Beastie! (The gent from Worthing, however, wouldn’t hesitate to give short shrift!) Thank you for your interest, Darling. Majorly love seeing those messages from you in my Inbox (said the actress…) xxxxx

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