Census Form


If you don’t, we’re going to come to your house and arrest you because we know your name and where you live.

Don’t be a smart arse; there are lots of other things we don’t know that you need to tell us, about your house and its toilets.

And we trust you not to lie, in a way we don’t trust you to do anything else for yourself in this society:

1. Who lives in your house and how are they related to each other?

Ignore this if you’re a regular family with the same boring surname. We’re only interested if you’ve got some sort of messed-up situation going on. Maybe there’s a weird lodger or a menage-a-trois or, like, masses of people co-habiting in one room, that can give us some crazy Daily Mail statistic.

2. What kind of house do you live in?

We want to know if it’s in the middle of loads of other houses all squashed up or if it’s attached to the one next door, like a Siamese twin.

Once you’ve told us, we’ll Google Map it to confirm you understand exactly how your property relates to the ones around it.

3. How many rooms are there in your house that you can actually use?

Don’t count the bathroom, kitchen or mis-shaped rooms. Don’t count the ones with shit in them or the old nursery you turned into a sewing room. Don’t count the stupid ones that property developers say are bedrooms but you can barely squeeze in a futon.

Just count the ones that are the balls of the house.

4. Was there anyone staying with you on the arbitrary night of April 19th, who usually stays somewhere else?

If so- sounds complicated but just ride with it- you need to go to table 2 and imagine that, for one night only, they are a person living in your house who will not be filling in their own form because on the night of April 19th they were staying with you.

Did you let them use your van?

Did they use the bath/shower AND toilet that is available only for the household?

Did they leave wet towels on the floor? That’s not crucial but it IS colour.

Speaking of which, if they were a person of colour can you describe exactly what shade, from the spectrum below.

5. Do you look after anybody who can’t look after themselves or help out in any way with Special Needs characters?

If ‘no’, then you really should, so don’t interpret the fact that you can skip the next 5 questions as a reward.

6. Do you work, or have you ever worked, for a living?

Now, don’t rush into this. Think long and hard and try to remember what you put down on your tax form. Ideally, the two should match up and then we’re all singing off the same hymn sheet.

Just to let you know, there’s going to be a Tax/Census Summer party where we’re going to take a bunch of forms to All Bar One and cross-reference them.

7. If a job had been available last week to start work in 2 weeks’ time at the place you worked 3 years ago, would you lie about your qualifications in the same way you have to us, in order to get it?

Yes, this IS a trick question.

8. Were you born in this country or have you recently arrived to freeload?

Oh, where’s your sense of humour?

Nevertheless, we’re hoping to dig out some of the stuff immigration have fluffed because the census has been going since 1801 and every 10 years 67.6% of illegal immigrants have been tripped up by it.

9. Can you tell us what flavour religion you are?

This need not be a reflection of how you were brought up or how you would describe your outlook. It’s nothing to do with whether you are trying to get your child into a Faith school or whether you are prepared to say God things in a church at Christenings.

It’s more of a stirring-up kind of question, to make the Vatican panic.

(And don’t you dare do what 390,000 people did in 2001 and enter ‘Jedi’.)

10. If you haven’t got an iPhone, how could Apple make you get one?

This is a new-wave question wholly unrelated to the fact that each member of the Census workforce is getting an iPod-shuffle.


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