Event: The deliberation over whether to pay a barista a compliment in Flat White coffee bar in Soho.
In my head: Check out this guy. He’s got a sort of bald nautical Freddie Mercury thing going on, with his moustache and stripy top. I almost want to laugh. And yet it’s quite different. I quite like it. And he’s Australian too, which is an unexpected twist. Maybe this is a look I like. Maybe I should tell him I like his look. Would he like that? Maybe he’d think I was silly. Maybe he’d think I think he’s silly and I’m making fun of him. Maybe it would just be my way of being fun. Maybe this compliment is more about me than about him. Maybe I should say it anyway.
In the real world: I said ‘Thank you’ and sat down.
Event: The early morning sighting of a large animal while on a run in Ravenscourt Park.
In my head: Oh my God, oh my God, what the hell is that? Oh my God, oh my God, it’s a kangaroo! A kangaroo in the middle of the park! What’s a kangaroo doing in West London? It must have escaped from a zoo! But what zoo? Where’s the zoo? Maybe I’m the first person to see it! What will everyone say when I tell them? This is one of the craziest things that’s ever happened to me!
In the real world: It was a large wolf-hound dog doing a poo, with its back arched. And I wasn’t wearing my glasses.
Event: Considering the inappropriateness of the owner of my local Pilates studio smoking outside it.
In my head: There’s the guy who owns that clean white Pilates studio standing outside smoking again. He’s smoked 5 today already- even if he’s only smoked the ones I’ve seen. It seems like a strange strategy to stand outside your own health club and smoke all day. And yet attractive men and women are falling over themselves to pay large sums of money to wade through him smoking all day, to get into his health club. Is this the exercise equivalent of women wanting to date bastards?
In the real world: People are actually paying to use the equipment and are not being hooked up beagle-style to smoking machines once inside.
Event: The never-ending yield of chocolate eggs from my Easter-time Carluccio’s jar.
In my head: It seems almost unbelievable but this jar of eggs must be self-filling. I have made 3 presents out of it for my son’s teachers; 1 present for my managing agent, after I locked myself out of the house; endless treats to visiting children and several to myself as rewards and there are STILL eggs left. I’ve got a special jar of chocolate eggs that re-generate overnight! How lucky I am to have come into possession of such a magical jar!
In the real world: The small size of the eggs creates an optical illusion. And they are almost finished now. So the jar may not be magical.
Event: Not being offered a primary school place for Bruno.
In my head: The end of the world is nigh.
In the real world: The end of his world is nigh because I may just teach him myself and fill him with the thoughts in my head instead of facts from the real world.
Event: The birth of my nephew Theo.
In my head: He is perfect.
In the real world: He is perfect.