Honest estate agent

Nice to meet you, to meet you nice.

So this is number 84.

We call this one a Katie Derham: clean-looking on the outside, filthy on the inside. Only joking, folks. I bet she’s a lovely girl.

The street is practically safe during the day: car jacking, heckling, minor door-step cons- nothing Jill Dando.

Parking’s all a bit musical chairs but give it a few years- if you’re disabled you’re laughing.

Council tenants to the left- arrrgghhh, scary!- old couple to the right. She’s in hospital a lot now so the noise complaints are negligible and…no, the smell’s gone.

The owners have just duffed it up- all surface work but it makes a good impression. That window box has whopped on about 10 grand all by itself. Pansies- who knew?

And in we go. Quite a tight squeeze- lift and tuck!- but you’re not founder members of the Tall Club so no worries there.

Right, this is the living/dining room.

It’s ‘dual aspect’. In agent speak that means you can escape either end, not unlike a dose of salmonella.

The space is more bowling alley than ballroom but they’ve made the best of it with the strategically-placed furniture.

It’s unlikely to look this good with your stuff in it but no need to dwell on that. Imagination isn’t always your best friend in the property market, despite what that saucy Allsopp fox dishes up.

So through to the characterful kitchen.

Whoa!! I’m sorry, I thought I was going to throw up on your Scholls then.

But let’s not be Negative Neil about it: it’s very much like being in a funky… tropical… diving suit, I daresay.

Ah, bless. That’s the outside space. I had a guinea pig once.

So through to the hallway.

It’s had a lick of paint to conceal structural issues you’ll discover once you’ve bought the house. Hey, it’s no big deal. It’s just like the emotional baggage of a new partner and you get over it, eh?

You have the look of people who would have liked what was there before. Trouble is, cork’s porous.

Up the stairs then, one at a time. No, you- not the steps. Say, have you got a cat that likes swinging around at all?

God, I have a laugh in this job.

O.K., so take a peek around the bedrooms.

In fact, if you stand just about here on the landing you can pretty much take in the whole of the upstairs without moving your head.

I’ll stand next door- you can shout when you hear me changing my mind.

The bathroom does what it says on the tin: it’s a room with a bath in.

Why the long face? No need to do the can-can when you’re doing a poo-poo.

Take a look at that cistern. Tell you what, they don’t make them like that any more. Actually, they just don’t make them any more but you could get a few bob for it on eBay, no doubt about it.

Now you want rid of me for a natter, you two, I can read the signs.

Why don’t you have a huddle? It’s four and a half minutes before the freight train passes so go ahead and enjoy a whisper.

Ooh, one potential deal-breaker with this cracker. There’s only 20 years left on the lease.

Hold on, what am I saying? That’s science fiction talk for you guys! You’ll be well within the limits.

You be sure and take your time. I’m all wrapped-up with the hard sell.

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