Psychiatrist: So your doctor referred you to me with ‘Anxiety, possibly linked to a mildly traumatic recreational activity’.
Patient: It’s going to seem silly to you but I haven’t felt right since the party.
Psych: Go on.
Patient: We drank a lot of wine. One thing led to another and the next thing you know one of the couples was on the phone asking for a delivery.
Psych: Ah. I see.
Patient: Yes, one of them had this special board game and the babysitter popped it in a cab.
Psych: A board game?
Patient: And it was just brilliant to start with. I got a whole load of money from the bank.
Not cards, you understand. Cash.
I could buy property in London. No mortgage, no HIPPS, nothing.
I gave the banker the notes and got the deeds- 2 minutes, max.
It took us 9 months to exchange on our last flat. 9 months.
Psych: That must have been frustrating for you.
Patient: Then it all started to go wrong.
Apparently you want to buy land in the same area.
Shouldn’t you diversify wealth? Spread the risk? What if the area goes downhill?
Ealing used to be lovely.
Psych: That’s a point of view, yes.
Patient: And I love utilities. Who doesn’t? We all need them, for Christ’s sake!
How are they not a good investment?
Psych: You’re getting upset, I can see. There are some tissues here.
Patient: I won second place in a beauty contest. I tried to enjoy myself, I really did.
Then Samantha gets out these little green things and I say, ‘What the hell are those?’ and she says, ‘Houses’ and soon it’s costing me a fortune just to pass by.
Psych: How distressing.
Patient: I’m telling you, it got worse: hotels.
Great red bricks on premium sites. It’s plain greedy.
I felt physically sick on the approach. The moussaka kept repeating on me.
Psych: Didn’t you ever pass ‘Go’?
Patient: A couple of times but those bastards from the Inland Revenue…
Plus what’s 200 quid when you need thousands?
I was facing bankruptcy!
Psych: That’s never good.
Now, did you think at any point, ‘It’s just a game’?
Patient: I’ll tell you what I thought: ‘Let me go directly me go to jail’.
I was grateful to be behind bars.
Is that how you expect to feel when you go to a dinner party?
Psych: Not generally speaking.
Patient: I feared my freedom.
A box of Bendicks and some of my best anecdotes and I was cowering in the corner like Myra Hindley.
Of course, it couldn’t last. I threw a double and oh, god, I can still hear the jeering…
Psych: These things can stay with you for a long time, I understand.
How did the evening finish?
Patient: In abject humiliation down the Old Kent Road, that’s where and it hasn’t stopped since.
I’ve been checking out Peter Rachman books from the library.
I’m having endless dreams about enormous irons.
Do you know that by the end of it Samantha had property just about everywhere. She was all over the bloody board. It was like…it was like she…
Psych: Had the monopoly?
Patient: Bingo. A complete monopoly.
I’m sorry but how is that fun? That’s a mean idea for a board game.
Kids play them too, you know?
I’m going to advise you to steer clear of organised fun for a while, OK?
Please stop smoking so much weed.
And, whatever you do, don’t play Snakes and Ladders.