The News


Anchorman: Many parts of England and Wales have been covered this week in large blankets of snow. Early indicators say it hasn’t snowed so much for ages- that’s how snowy it is.

It’s generally stopping people getting to work because it’s very wet and cold and interferes with wheels and lots of ways of getting to work involve wheels.

It’s not great for trains either which run on tracks and prefer a clear path or for airplanes because they need visibility and other stuff to stay in the air.

In London, you might think the Underground is feeling smug but, no, because all the other transport is up the creek so everyone’s heading down there and it’s causing delays.

The only way to get about is walking and even then it’s slippery and you might fall over and split your head open.

James Wyatt is in the thick of it in some village in the middle of nowhere, reporting on how much snow there actually is.

How much snow is there, James?

Reporter: Loads, Michael.

Anchorman: And what’s it doing?

Reporter: It’s hard to describe. It’s packing several inches deep. It hasn’t snowed this much for at least a good while.

It’s just come out of the blue.

Anchorman: Even though it’s February and we live in Britain?

: Yes. Christmas day came and went- what the hell’s it doing here now?

Anchorman: How are the villagers being affected?

: Well, Michael, there are road closures, people staying indoors all over the shop. Salt.Warnings.

Above all, it’s generating an enormous amount of news.

: What would you say to awkward people who argue that snow is a natural weather condition occurring when the temperature drops below freezing point?

Reporter: I’d like them to come down here for a few hours and see for themselves what snow does when it settles.

: What does it do?

: It gets very slippery, which is difficult for cars.

And you have to put on masses of extra clothing.

And it means that normal people have to do extraordinary things just to go about their daily routines.

I saw a man earlier using a shovel to get out of his own front door- it was almost freakish to watch.

Anchorman: How is morale in the village?

: There’s an atmosphere of disbelief. It’s all anyone can talk about.

‘God, it’s cold’, ‘Have you seen the snow?’– that kind of thing.

On the plus side, there’s an increased camaraderie: strangers laughing with each other in the streets at the sheer absurdity of it all.

Anchorman: What are the more serious implications?

Reporter: Apart from safety concerns surrounding the operating of skiddable machinery in a substance that’s very slippery there’s finger pointing at those not turning up to schools and offices.

Anchorman: Surely they’re snowed in?

Reporter: No, they’re generally taking the piss.

People are also cooking unnecessary quantities of comfort food to watch in front of daytime television and neither of those are good for your health.

But we don’t want to over-react here.

Anchorman: Anything good to come of this?

Reporter: It’s pretty- Narnia-like. The kids are larking around with snowballs and in open fields men of snow have been brought magically to life.

There’s a crunch underfoot and an eerie end-times silence that may cause some to reflect on the selfishness of their empty, miserable lives.

Anchorman: Can you sum it up for us?

Reporter: Yes, Michael: hospitals, school children, traffic police, carrot farmers- all very happy.

Small businesses, taxis, delivery men, skinny people- quite pissed off.

Anchorman: James, thank you. And be safe.



Filed under London Mumbo

5 responses to “The News

  1. Jackie

    if one more person asks me or my kids if we enjoyed the snow i’ll scream. yes we did – for about an hour. snow snow wheee. snowmen and snowballs and then more snowballs and then we got cold. and came inside and didn’t know what to do because it was monday, and then tuesday and they should’ve been at school and i had LOTS OF STUFF DO DO THAT I COULDN’T WITH THREE WHINING KIDS THERE ALL DAY. and the cat in the hat didn’t come although i was sure he would, it being very deep snow and all.

  2. Jackie sounds like she isn’t enjoying herself too much at the moment.

    Let’s hope the snow goes soon (of course in Paris there is none).

  3. Pingback: Post of the Week » Blog Archive » Shortlist Week Ending Friday 6th February

  4. Jackie

    it’s all fine now – the cat in the hat turned up, a little late for sure, the kids were back at school, but at least he turned up and i enjoyed his company, crazy thing that he is, a bit messy though

  5. mumbo

    Jack, quite. No cat can erase the domestic misery of the aftermath of this year’s snowfall. Pray it never returns.

    tbnil, you’re naughty you are, with the POTW wotsit. But nice.

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