The Fat Person Inside

Inside: Coo-ee! Let me out, will you?

Outside: Oh God, not you. No, sod off.

Inside: Come on! Don’t be a spoil sport. It’s my favourite time of year.

Outside: Sorry, but I’m not ready for you.

I’ve got a friend- do you want her mobile number?

Inside: Bollocks. There’s a cheesecake in your fridge. I’ve seen it.

We always hang out at Christmas. The M & S Food section is my manor. It’s where I belong.

Outside: Off you go then.

I don’t want to be hanging out anywhere this Yuletide, thanks.

Inside: I can’t go on my own. I need you to come with me. I won’t stay long.

Outside: Really? It took me weeks to get rid of you last time.

I had to chase you around with a bloody carrot and peppermint tea.

Inside: No, I’ll just do some steady bingeing. No clotted cream.


It’s really cold and dark in the evenings and I want to come out to play.

Outside: Well, you can stay on the sofa just for the festivities as long as you don’t make a dent in it.

And you know you’ll have to hide under coats and jumpers when we go out?

Inside: Yay, that’s fine! I can do that! I love wool!

Outside: And I can’t take you swimming.

Inside: Swimming? Yuk, no way.

Outside: And I won’t let you call me a body fascist when I start taking you to the gym.

Inside: Whatever. Give me Christmas pudding, bitch!


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