Scary

Bond reminds me of Sunday afternoons when I was a little girl, asking my father to explain the plot over the noisy action scenes, in the days before video.

It clearly irritated him beyond measure, especially when I didn’t understand the explanation either.

He probably felt uncomfortable watching me copy him laughing at the sexual innuendos too.

Bond: I can feel a stiffening coming on.

Me: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Incidentally, when I Googled sexual innuendo in Bond I found a website where a chap called Brian posed a question I have copied below because, how can you not love a responsible parent?

My 9-year-old son is a spy nut and knows of James Bond. I would like to rent one of the videos for him but want one that won’t scare him to death. I don’t mind sexual innuendo and chase scenes, but I’d like to minimize the blood and guts and overt violence. Any thoughts?

Anyway, there’s been a tiny bit of publicity out for the new one but in case it doesn’t hit the mark MGM have hired 1 million hitmen to hold a knife up to the throats of the British Public, suggesting they go to see it. Each man is responsible for terrorising 50 people, to make sure the population is covered (the few million they will miss are in the industry and have already seen it).

And I’m confident it will be a jolly way to pass a couple of hours, even if it’s hard to look at Daniel Craig without thinking of Zoolander.

Yet not as confident, it would appear, as Olga Kurylenko, who I stumbled across in a BBC news website interview and who left me thinking not of stunts and gadgets so much as Hallowe’en.

Because this woman is COMPLETELY TERRIFYING.

Firstly, I would like to say I like her eyebrows a lot. They are audacious and sexually threatening, in a good way.

Secondly, I enjoyed the sound of the interviewer’s little ‘Mmm’ noises, as he tried to agree it’s a shame Bond girls have to get their kit off instead of portraying the character. Very professional.

Here is the link:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7696165.stm

But this, assuredly, is self-assuredness on a whole new level.

An actress who laughs in the face of rejection (‘Too bad for them!‘), who never breaks eye contact (except to gesticulate meaningfully) and who would bollock an interviewer for asking her a question wearing the wrong colour jacket (whilst stroking his groin with her stocking-ed foot).

This woman did not do a casting for the film.

She walked into the agents’ office in 5 inch heels, kneed him in the balls and shoved her telephone number down his boxer shorts. She thinks breakfast is for wimps and has never paid for dinner in her life. When she sleeps she does so in silk briefs and needs only four hours. She home-schooled herself to an IQ of 987. She flies first class everywhere because she thinks jets are environmentally irresponsible even though she has a pilot’s licence. She only packs a toothbrush and lipstick when she travels. Her sunglasses are never smudged. She uses her tear ducts to emote for roles only. She campaigns for pandas, eats steak raw and thinks Angelina Jolie is lazy. She never has to repeat herself. She never has to apologise. She never has to repeat herself. She drinks rare brandy but only ever one glass. She doesn’t smoke but if she did it would be small cigars. She isn’t afraid of death. She has no fillings. She swears judiciously. She doesn’t believe in serendipity. She can’t be shocked or manipulated or given naff presents at Christmas. She speaks 23 languages and reads Proust between takes.

She has never been to the toilet.

This time next year they will be selling an ‘Olga’ costume in the shops.

And I, for one, will be trick-or-treating in it.

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1 Comment

Filed under Movie Mumbo, Mumbo Life, Uncategorized

One response to “Scary

  1. They should just change his name to James Bourne allready.

    Olga is the hot gir of the moment right now with roles in all kind of movies. She is headlining the action movie Kirot.

    In the movie she plays a woman that is coerced into becoming a hit woman for a shadowy organization after being imprisoned for working as a prostitute.

    She escapes from her new employees and joins forces with an abused woman she encounters on the run. Together they embark on a campaign of revenge.

    Sound like the movie NIKITA to me but with olga and that makes it 100% better and the original is great

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