If time is money, worrying is like paying yourself for a session of macabre fortune-telling.

It is without hope, sense and purpose.

It is uncreative, uninteresting and energy inefficient- a Hummer doing the school run.

Moreover, it is 100% unproductive, making absolutely nothing happen.

If a worry is realised, the time wasted on it only serves to compound the catastrophe.

If the worry never happens, the time that was wasted on it is gone forever, wafting around the solar system of Crap Things along with Should Haves and What Ifs.

No-one ever goes to their death-bed wishing they had worried more but worrying often sends worriers to theirs quicker.

Worrier Type 1

There are some people who dislike uncertainties. They like to think they can retain a certain amount of control over life.

These are the same ones who think of worry as a sort of investment, whereby planning for unfortunate outcomes will make them better prepared for the future, while ruminating negatively on memories will help them to process the past.

Pre-imagining disaster becomes a form of self-protection, at worst, and positive equity, at best.

These people need to get to grips with ‘contemplation’ and ‘reflection’ and realise that the gulf between them and worry is filled only with a lumpy mass of fear- in itself only a useful concept if you hear the footsteps of Simon Cowell behind you in an alleyway one night.

Worrier Type 2

Then there are people who inadvertently inspired the invention of Botox.

They have spent approximately two thirds of their entire lives in a state of nervousness, without ever having challenged themselves with the logic of how they have managed to survive if even a fraction of their chronic concern had been warranted.

They absent-mindedly drop unfulfilled worries in the very act of reaching out for new ones, like an Armageddonist handing out leaflets with an amended date 24 hours after the world has failed to come to an end.

They convince themselves that worrying is part of their nature and that even if stopping it would be an improvement, they would no longer feel like themselves; they take a similar stand on nose jobs.

These people need to realise they simply practice bad habits and that everyone would look better with a nose job, with the exception of Michael Jackson.

They should also pray to experience a major disaster so that their friends can commiserate with them, instead of wanting to bludgeon them to death with a frozen leg of lamb.

Some people are both people rolled into one. Hello.

As if all this were not persuasive enough, the content of worry is often bogus, for the reason that we all experience reality differently.

So you needn’t have fretted that you appeared rude last night for forgetting the host’s name. The host was thinking no such thing. She was thinking you were a self-righteous bitch with too much eye make-up.

Occasionally, the kernal of a worry has a just foundation. In this instance its development needs to be arrested while the following is established: whether action can be taken or not.

It would be possible to find yourself watching T.V., for example, when the ‘Did I turn the oven off?’ thought occurs. And it would possible to continue to worry about this for the next half hour.

Alternatively, one question could be posed straight off: am I able to leave the sofa and check?

If you are watching an interview with Paul McCartney then the answer is yes: go and check.

If the interview is with Heather Mills McCartney then the answer is no: forget all about it.

When you rake through the cinders of your home later you will at least be grateful that your own particular form of lunacy is not broadcast on national television.

THIS, however, is the crux:

Worry posits the present self in a future situation, rather than the future self in a present situation.

We are constantly evolving.

With each passing minute, each exchange, each thought ,we are a new person- learning, growing, moving forward.

Our experiences change our perception.

Which means our ability to cope with an unforeseen circumstance cannot be predicted.

So… channel your Doris Day with a bit of Que Sera Sera.

mumbojumbosheepism nos. 1:

Don’t worry: let it go. It will come and find you when it needs to and you can cross that bridge together.


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