Childcare can be confusing for men.
Why are there so many different names for the person who helps with the kids?
Don’t they just stick on the Tweenies and and call their boyfriends on the mobile?
Why won’t a doula do the school run?
Can’t it be simplified?
But, of course:
A live-in nanny: Mistress.
(Can be one and the same if you are Jude Law.)
Does fun things with the kids your wife doesn’t.
A live-out nanny: Lover.
The same as a live-in nanny but with her own life. You miss her most during family holidays when you realize just how much you need her.
A teacher from your child’s school: High class escort.
Educated, but wants to earn a bit of money on the side. She won’t go all the way with bath-time but will make you look classy if your friends meet her.
A babysitter from Sitters.co.uk: Agency prostitute.
Offers no-strings-attached sitting, which can be booked by phone the same day. Usually someone you haven’t met before or if you liked the last experience you can request the same girl.
Somebody else’s nanny: Streetwalker.
You chat her up in the park and poach her for Friday night.
A specialist nanny: Night-club lap dancer.
You hire her for an occasion, such as a wedding. She may have a unique talent and will expect a big tip.
A children’s entertainer: Live show artiste.
A natural exhibitionist you probably wouldn’t want to be friends with outside of the party environment. May do clever things with ping pong balls.
Au pair: Holiday bonk.
Low maintenance (or very high if you get the wrong one). Will also help out with some domestic chores.
The young switchboard operator at your office who fancies you: Phone sex worker.
She will pay extra attention to your children during Christmas Family Fun Day, allowing you to drink beer.
A doula: Sex therapist.
An understanding nurturer you hire to help your partner break through the pain barrier.
A maternity nurse: Mrs Robinson.
She will teach you everything you need to know but it wouldn’t feel right if she stayed too long.