Facebook News feed

Charlee has updated her profile picture. You are now more likely to want to shag her. Plus she’s obviously having an immense amount of fun at a rave.

Fred Ditherington-Bobworth is relieved. He couldn’t find a single person out of his 356 friends who he imagined would come to his funeral, before realising he was looking at the account of a Kansas college student, with the same name.

Simon won’t give any details in his profile and has blocked his friends list but spends on average two afternoons looking at other people’s photographs. He’s part of a network with intimacy issues.

Lizzy and Martha are now friends. Lizzy didn’t feel she could ignore Martha‘s friend request any longer. She sent her acceptance along with an Event invitation, taking place indefinitely: ‘Wave At Me In The Street And I Will Not Wave Back.’

Dave poked Davina. In his dreams there was no computer involved.

Dave threw a chicken back at Dylan. It was a displacement activity for going round to his house and burying a bullet between his juvenile eyes.

Fred Ditherington-Bobworth is depressed. He has 352 less friends than his American namesake and is pretty sure none of them would come to his funeral.

Tyler Slingsby is swimming in the Maldives and thinking how glorious the water is. Don’t ask him how he is back-crawling with a lap-top. You’re missing the point. The one about him being in the Maldives, while you’re at your miserable office desk.

Jess commented on Suzie‘s photo: ‘OMG. Your kid is doing such cute, funny things with those pants on her head!! She doesn’t look anything like you though.’

Freya commented on her own photo: ‘How good do I look in this shot?’

Adrian was so bored at work he was close to making prank phone-calls to a police station. Then he downloaded the People You May Know application and found he had a son. Now he feels sick.

Ray found out he was Charlotte in Sex and the City. Once he has spent the week-end reappraising his sexuality he’s going to take the test again and try to make himself Samantha.

Hugh found out he was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz and doesn’t have a brain. He then spent 4 hours playing Scrabulous.

Zoe is worried that the therapist she is seeing to help her with her FB addiction will press *CNTRL* and know that it is his profile she looks at the most.

Suzie replied to Jess‘ comment on her photo: ”It’s odd you say that because some people think our matching birthmarks make us look like peas in a pod. But then you probably couldn’t even see my face that night we met in the cinema!! Hahahahaha LOLxxxxxxxxxx’

If someone called Brian Yearling asks to be your friend SERIOUSLY DO NO ACCEPT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If you do he will hack into your account and see your wedding photos and then hack into all your friends’ accounts and find out their religious views. And by the end of the week he will be ALL OVER your favourite quote.

Stefan is so far in he’s out but still has such a long way to go. Christ, can’t any of you see this is a cry for help? What do I have to do? Call your houses and weep down the phone?

Jess replied to Suzie’s comment on her comment on her photo: ‘Yes, you’re right, Sarah. And it was over 10 years ago too!!!! Miss you, mwah, mwah, S.W.A.L.K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’

Olivia voted you The friend who most needs to grow up and take world issues seriously and invites you to plant a tree for World Peace in her garden.

Clive is careful to point out that he has never initiated a friend request. He is also willing to join the group ‘I try only to laugh at week-ends’, providing someone else invites him.

Raquel has figured out that if she accumulated the hours she has spent trawling the site of her ex-boyfriend, trying to work out which of his friends are really lovers, she could have gone on a Club 18-30 holiday, to look for a new one.

Tammy wrote on Gordon‘s wall: ‘Did you put rohypnol in my drink last night, you old bugger?!!’

Sofia is bored with journalists boring on about how Facebook is a public platform for people without real friends to talk about nonsense. What exactly is it they do again?

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6 Comments

Filed under Mumbo Obsessions, Uncategorized

6 responses to “Facebook News feed

  1. Pingback: Funny Blog » Blog Archive » Facebook News feed

  2. mauricemcleod

    Maurice looks at Mumbo’s profile and remembers, with a smile, what an incredibly inventive person she is.
    x

  3. I love it.

    And I wish I was part of a network with intimacy issues. Sounds like it might be a blessed relief.

  4. mumbo

    Welcome back, Moz. x

    Thank you, tbnil. I’m trying to work out if blogging is an intimacy issues network in itself. Or perhaps the exact opposite?

    Either way, we belong, as Pat Benatar would say. Which is always nice.

  5. mauricemcleod

    Hey Soph,

    I’ve joined the blogosphere (kind of). I now write a blog for Engage, the magazine I produce for NCVO.

    I’m on a tight leash and so there are no flights of fancy or inventiveness but I am to get more of my thoughts and views out as the blog progresses.

    http://www.mauricemcleod.wordpress.com

  6. mumbo

    Holy Schmoly, Moz. Just checked out your site and it seems you are a really worthy person doing really worthy things in the generally unworthy real world.

    Having carefully cultivated a head-to-navel approach to life I now sense that I’m going to be volunteering to do some work in the bloody community.

    Damn you!

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