1. The intensity of your relief at being put through to the answerphone when making a telephone call you didn’t want to make can be heard in the tone of your voice message.
It, therefore, helps to remember to try to temper your voice with a false modicum of disappointment.
This does not apply, however, to calls relating to any person who deals with your accounts, as they already know you don’t want them to pick up the phone and talk to you about your finances.
2. There is no better feeling than having a lasagne ready prepared for the evening’s meal.
This is as good as life gets.
3. If you gathered together all the Yellow Pages sitting on people’s doorsteps and restored them to their former tree status, an entire forest could be built to house a community of service people able to cover every possible need.
The expense and bother of having to travel to the Yellow Page Forest (as it is unlikely they would have telephones) would be more than compensated by the fact that you could sort out all sorts of pesky house problems at the same time.
4. There’s a dedicated team of people employed by the Airline Association, to ensure that a good number of passengers arriving by road at any airport will miss their flights, allowing for the common practise of double booking to thrive unchallenged.
It is their objective to re-position all motorway signs to just past the reasonable moment of warning for the exit.
If they don’t lip-read the driver of at least 20% of all cars loaded with lugguage saying, ‘Oh God, was that the turn-off for the airport?’ past the point of no return, they know they are not doing their jobs properly.
5. Swiss chocolate bars only feel comfortable being replaced in the fridge if their edges are evened off.
At a push, a square can jutt out but there is absolutely no way anything spikey can be allowed to survive intact.