There comes a point when you can no longer turn a blind eye to what’s going on under the sofa.
But on this morning, I didn’t feel brain-dead enough to clean. I felt that I should be at a party, laughing, with my hair flying around in slow motion.
So I put on the Delinquent Remix of Taio Cruz’ Come on Girl, featuring Luciana, to liven up the chore.
It’s the sort of track that could temporarily improve the quality of a person’s life.
Danny and Sandy for a new generation.
The neighbours only stopped through-the-night-talking half an hour previously; I had a hunch that some beats backing up the Hoover, would send them straight to dreamland.
The track explodes with Taio shouting Hey!, as if the bassline-fest he’s rolling around in isn’t going to get your attention.
Violins and buzzy, clubby, fizzing, synthesizer noises.
Take those blankets off the sofa! Shake them down! Yeah!
Then a bassline, from out of a dark place, like a gorilla on 60-fags-a-day, hauling along the steel pipes of Luciana.
She sounds filthy, as if someone should be cleaning under her sofa too.
Come on boy, come on boy, come on boy. Come on!
What a provocative invitation! Will he want to? Will he have to ask her where she wants him to go?
Come on girl, come on. Come on girl, come on!
Seems he’s thinking along the same lines. He just doesn’t want to budge.
Lift the cushions back up, wrap around the blanket. It’s getting hot in the living room.
Oh, here we go. Taio’s an expressive chap. Maybe he wants to introduce himself.
Do-things-to-you-that’d-definitely-gonna-get-you hot, I-love-how-you-shake-that-little-booty-around-the club,
I-just-wanna-turn (breath) you (breath) me (breath) into-an us,
We–can-do-whatever- keep-it-public-or-if you,
I-just-wanna stay (breath) –under- the-covers-with you
Crikey, they must have met before.
Put down the duster and press rewind, to get underneath that verse composition. Oh, I get it. Every word in each phrase is on the note of G, apart from the last one, which is an A. Very nice.
Then the Justin Timberlake notes jump to a high A and sound like someone giving you ice-cream on the beach.
Am I spoiling the moment?
Now I know that you want me, you’ve indicated,
It’s obvious I need to just make a decision,
Bout’ what I’m gonna say,
Tell me what I gotta say,
To take you away with me,
To take you away!
He’s not sure she’s got the message. Unless he’s telling her something she already knows and wants to hear again.
Which I’m starting to think he is.
But she’s ready now. She’s going to tell him she’s not that kind of girl.
It takes 2 dates, at least.
You wanna take a bite?
Come whet my appetite,
Come, plug me in, do your thing, make my head spin,
So come on take me away,
You better take me away,
You better hit the spot,
If you want I can make you pop
Holy jumping junipers! This chick doesn’t do hard to get.
I’m guessing she may need the Tesco anti-bacterial spray more than the mantelpiece.
Or a thorough mopping down.
So let go, electro. Take it nice and slow…
O.K. Sit down. Maybe this isn’t something I should be cleaning to, after all.
Is there a word for auditory voyeurism?
They need to be left alone and so do I. If I start with the Windolene now, it could lead to mouthing in the mirror.
Plus maybe I shouldn’t keep the neighbours up all day.
So Taio didn’t help to get the cleaning done.
But he did make me feel good about being dirty.