PC Selby visits his therapist

Therapist: You look different today, Arthur.

PC Selby: I trimmed my moustache.

Therapist: Have you got a date?

PC Selby: Yes. No. There’s a talk at the village hall tonight.

I thought if I went along I might bump into Dr. Gilbertson.

Therapist: You’ve heard she’s going?

PC Selby: So I believe. She’s giving it.

It’s about STD’s and how we can try to avoid them as a community.

Therapist: Has she been giving you signals?

PC Selby: No, I take care of all the traffic regulations in Greendale.

Therapist: I meant romantic signals?

PC Selby: She was very nice about my little problem, when I went to see her. Told me to get a more padded seat on the bicycle.

Plus, I can’t deny it would be nice for young Lucy to see someone else in heels around the house, in the evening.

Therapist: Have you had any more dreams?

PC Selby: As a matter of fact, yes.

At the week-end I dreamt Pat was standing on the railway tracks, waving at Julian, and the Greendale Rocket smashed into him.

Then yesterday, let’s see… Oh, I dreamt Pat was hooked up to Ted’s icecream machine and was pumped with strawberry icecream until he burst.

Then…that’s right, last night I dreamt one of the kites at the kite festival wound around Pat’s neck and sliced his head off.

Therapist: Do you see a pattern here at all?

PC Selby: I knew it. It’s my mother fixation again.

Therapist: Or perhaps some unresolved resentment towards Pat?

PC Selby: Because he’s round every effing corner like ‘Where’s Wally?’, poking his nose in, even though I’m the village authority figure?

No, I like Pat. He’s a top bloke.

Therapist: We’ll explore that more next session, then.

Is there anything else on your mind, Arthur?

PC Selby: Yes, in fact. Is it wrong to pray for a homocide in the village?

Therapist: What do you think?

PC Selby: I think if I have to rescue another cat I’m going to commit one myself.

I’ve been watching NYPD re-runs, that’s all. I’m itching for some action.

Therapist: Look, I don’t want to abuse my priviliged position by betraying patient confidentiality but Neesha did a 7 year stretch inside, has 3 prior convictions, some GBH form and is planning a job on the station cafe.

If I can’t reach her first, of course.

PC Selby: ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!

Therapist: Mum’s the word now, Arthur. Not yours, mind.

PC Selby: Right you are, doc.


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Filed under Conversations, Mini mumbo

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