Therapist: You look different today, Arthur.
PC Selby: I trimmed my moustache.
Therapist: Have you got a date?
PC Selby: Yes. No. There’s a talk at the village hall tonight.
I thought if I went along I might bump into Dr. Gilbertson.
Therapist: You’ve heard she’s going?
PC Selby: So I believe. She’s giving it.
It’s about STD’s and how we can try to avoid them as a community.
Therapist: Has she been giving you signals?
PC Selby: No, I take care of all the traffic regulations in Greendale.
Therapist: I meant romantic signals?
PC Selby: She was very nice about my little problem, when I went to see her. Told me to get a more padded seat on the bicycle.
Plus, I can’t deny it would be nice for young Lucy to see someone else in heels around the house, in the evening.
Therapist: Have you had any more dreams?
PC Selby: As a matter of fact, yes.
At the week-end I dreamt Pat was standing on the railway tracks, waving at Julian, and the Greendale Rocket smashed into him.
Then yesterday, let’s see… Oh, I dreamt Pat was hooked up to Ted’s icecream machine and was pumped with strawberry icecream until he burst.
Then…that’s right, last night I dreamt one of the kites at the kite festival wound around Pat’s neck and sliced his head off.
Therapist: Do you see a pattern here at all?
PC Selby: I knew it. It’s my mother fixation again.
Therapist: Or perhaps some unresolved resentment towards Pat?
PC Selby: Because he’s round every effing corner like ‘Where’s Wally?’, poking his nose in, even though I’m the village authority figure?
No, I like Pat. He’s a top bloke.
Therapist: We’ll explore that more next session, then.
Is there anything else on your mind, Arthur?
PC Selby: Yes, in fact. Is it wrong to pray for a homocide in the village?
Therapist: What do you think?
PC Selby: I think if I have to rescue another cat I’m going to commit one myself.
I’ve been watching NYPD re-runs, that’s all. I’m itching for some action.
Therapist: Look, I don’t want to abuse my priviliged position by betraying patient confidentiality but Neesha did a 7 year stretch inside, has 3 prior convictions, some GBH form and is planning a job on the station cafe.
If I can’t reach her first, of course.
PC Selby: ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!
Therapist: Mum’s the word now, Arthur. Not yours, mind.
PC Selby: Right you are, doc.