Postman Pat visits his therapist

Therapist: How are you today?

Pat: Oh, grand. Late with the mail again, you know, but folk’ll help.

Therapist: This is a safe place, Pat. Tell me how you really feel.

Pat: I don’t like rushing, is the thing. I make mistakes.

But there’s always some crisis and I’m bang in the middle. Good old Pat- he’ll help you out.

Therapist: That’s because you’re a protagonist. These are your stories.

Pat: Well, I’m fed up.

‘Can you tell Ajay this?’ ‘Can you play in the five-a-side football match?’ ‘Can you deliver sugar and bloody calamine lotion to the whole poxy village?’

I’m a postman, not a a jack-of-all-flaming-trades. Sod off!

Therapist: It’s good to vocalise that anger, Pat. Try also to understand that Greendale is a tight community and you are the voice of the people.

They value you.

Pat: They think I’m a prat.

Therapist: Why would you say such a thing? Might you be projecting?

Pat: I ate the sardine ice-cream meant for Jess.

Therapist: Oh, I see. That is incredibly foolish.

But Jess makes no judgments. She’s always by your side. Tell me more about her.

Pat: Miaow!

Therapist: I’m sorry?

Pat: You and me both. That’s all she ever bleeding well says. Means different things, mind, but it gets on your tits after a while.

Excuse my language.

Therapist: She’s a very loyal cat. A right hand man, even.

Pat: She’s the sister we couldn’t give Julian, is what she is.

Sara wanted a pot-bellied pig but I use my bicycle a lot and I’m not that steady as it is.

Therapist: How are things with Sara?

Pat: Hard to say. She’s distant sometimes. Spends most days in the station cafe.

She wears a lot of polo neck jumpers. Sometimes I wonder if…

Therapist: ..she’s shagging Reverend Timms?

Pat: No. I wonder if she’s too hot.

Although now you come to mention it, Jeff Pringle wears a lot of them too.

Therapist: Jeff is your friend, Pat. We talked about this paranoia last time, when you thought Mrs Goggins was putting anthrax into the letters.

Pat: Maybe I need a break. The van’s knackered and no-one wants me to buy a Smart car.

Therapist: That’s the conclusion I’ve been coming to as well.

Pat: They’re great, aren’t they? You can park them sideways with no bother and there’s stacks of room in the boot.

Therapist: No, I meant having some time off. I think you need to be just Pat for a while.

Pat: Aye. Reckon I’ll look into the village history while I’m at it. We’ve all got the same noses and only four fingers on each hand.

Therapist: You do that, Pat. And get your uniform dry-cleaned.



Filed under Conversations, Mini mumbo

4 responses to “Postman Pat visits his therapist

  1. gethin

    Is this to be a series? Like a quaint British version of ‘The Sopranos’? Maybe we’ll see Pat whacking PC Selby with an inflated sheep’s bladder on the end of a stick.

  2. sophiestout1

    This is a good idea. Pat slightly limited by having his legs stuck together and his hands in the driving wheel position but I could work around that.

  3. Aubrey

    From Pat’s therapy session, it sounds to me that maybe Greendale is like “The Village” that No.6 was always trying to escape from in the Prisoner. Perhaps in the next installment you could half-blow up a balloon and have it chasing Pat around… er, if you can get Pat to look like he’s running…

  4. sophiestout1

    That’s another good thought. Maybe Pat could start making guest appearances in other shows. He’d know how good he’s got it in Greendale if he had to deliver the mail in x (I left that blank because I don’t watch enough TV and I can’t think of anywhere. You get the idea though).

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