Therapist: How are you today?
Pat: Oh, grand. Late with the mail again, you know, but folk’ll help.
Therapist: This is a safe place, Pat. Tell me how you really feel.
Pat: I don’t like rushing, is the thing. I make mistakes.
But there’s always some crisis and I’m bang in the middle. Good old Pat- he’ll help you out.
Therapist: That’s because you’re a protagonist. These are your stories.
Pat: Well, I’m fed up.
‘Can you tell Ajay this?’ ‘Can you play in the five-a-side football match?’ ‘Can you deliver sugar and bloody calamine lotion to the whole poxy village?’
I’m a postman, not a a jack-of-all-flaming-trades. Sod off!
Therapist: It’s good to vocalise that anger, Pat. Try also to understand that Greendale is a tight community and you are the voice of the people.
They value you.
Pat: They think I’m a prat.
Therapist: Why would you say such a thing? Might you be projecting?
Pat: I ate the sardine ice-cream meant for Jess.
Therapist: Oh, I see. That is incredibly foolish.
But Jess makes no judgments. She’s always by your side. Tell me more about her.
Therapist: I’m sorry?
Pat: You and me both. That’s all she ever bleeding well says. Means different things, mind, but it gets on your tits after a while.
Excuse my language.
Therapist: She’s a very loyal cat. A right hand man, even.
Pat: She’s the sister we couldn’t give Julian, is what she is.
Sara wanted a pot-bellied pig but I use my bicycle a lot and I’m not that steady as it is.
Therapist: How are things with Sara?
Pat: Hard to say. She’s distant sometimes. Spends most days in the station cafe.
She wears a lot of polo neck jumpers. Sometimes I wonder if…
Therapist: ..she’s shagging Reverend Timms?
Pat: No. I wonder if she’s too hot.
Although now you come to mention it, Jeff Pringle wears a lot of them too.
Therapist: Jeff is your friend, Pat. We talked about this paranoia last time, when you thought Mrs Goggins was putting anthrax into the letters.
Pat: Maybe I need a break. The van’s knackered and no-one wants me to buy a Smart car.
Therapist: That’s the conclusion I’ve been coming to as well.
Pat: They’re great, aren’t they? You can park them sideways with no bother and there’s stacks of room in the boot.
Therapist: No, I meant having some time off. I think you need to be just Pat for a while.
Pat: Aye. Reckon I’ll look into the village history while I’m at it. We’ve all got the same noses and only four fingers on each hand.
Therapist: You do that, Pat. And get your uniform dry-cleaned.