Reassurance Policy

Ever stop to think what would happen to your loved ones if you became an insecure, self-loathing misanthrope?

Recent studies suggest 21st century pampered lifestyles erode our inner resources of self-reliance, leading to debilitating feelings of self-doubt.

Here at Smooth Talking Union we don’t think anyone should have to feel like a loser, which is why we’ve created a robust Reassurance Policy to bolster your natural reserves.

Friends might listen to your problems and counsellors can help change patterns of behaviour but no-one is as dedicated as us to telling you everything’s going to be alright, even if it isn’t.

For as little as 41 pence per day you could buy peace of mind, safe in the knowledge that there will always be someone there for you, if you start to lost the plot.

Using a customised psychometric test we are able to accurately assess the level of claimants’ anxiety so you don’t have to worry that your policy will be financing weak whingers who fancy a buttering up.

We cover you for 4 main specialist fields: Personal, Financial, Social and Spiritual. You may suspect you’ll want reassurance in one more than another but our many years of experience have revealed that they are largely interwoven: even if you think you’re calling about something in particular, chances are you’re feeling a bit shit all over.

Our reassurance agents can be with you within 2 hours and will stay for anything up to a whole afternoon. They’ve got really non-threatening faces and are certified to make the tea. Generally, they prefer no touching.

After a session you will receive a courtesy follow-up call, where we will test the success of your visit with some gentle taunting, to see if you feel strong again. If you start crying in the middle of it, an agent will come back with extra biscuits.

For a small supplement we can offer life coach referrals, if you actually want to make things happen in your life, although we tend to find simple encouraging platitudes to be the most effective.

Or if you’ve always been a bit needy you could opt for our ‘Super-schmooze-me’ plan, which offers ongoing support and comes with a complimentary teddy that says, ‘You’re really great to be around’, when you press his groin.

Call us now on this long number and start saving for a low self-esteem rainy day.

Because you’re almost worth it.

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4 Comments

Filed under Mumbo Life, Uncategorized

4 responses to “Reassurance Policy

  1. Je signe, toot bleedin sweet. Do they give Air France miles?

  2. sophiestout1

    Everything is negotiable and it might even lower your premiums because travel breeds confidence.

  3. OK so this far back no comments

    right…..

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