To my espresso machine

Dear Cubika,

People complain when men objectify women. Do you think they would care if I sexualize an object?

Because I feel the need to say you are one hot piece of equipment.

You were a risk to me. You looked good. I didn’t know if I could handle you. Pump, milk frother, plug business: I knew there would be maintenance issues.

The social dynamic scared the hell out of me too. No more barista banter? No more drinking in public? Really?

Friends influenced me. Some said you may not be pro enough. If you’re taking one home, they said, get the super model.

But I was ready and I knew it from the length of time I gave to your instructions.

You are super and you make me super too.

Do you know how hard I tried to get the right grinder for you? Hours surfing consumer reviews on Amazon, like some caffeine-crazed Laird Hamilton. Dedicated expeditions to Oxford Street. Not one, but two faulty Krups machines; John Lewis really needs to sort out their kitchen department.

Jug, thermometer, stainless steel tamper: I haven’t been cheap. I want you to feel alive- like the crema you push through the tiny holes in your cup filter is at the very core of who you are.

I will never fill you with stale beans.

When I have sponged you down tonight and you take a rest- which you really deserve- I want you to know how you make me feel.

With you I am Humphrey Bogart. I’m a Parisian tart wearing suspenders, in a smoke-filled dive. I am a bespoke-suited, middle-aged Italian outside a café in Venice. I am an intellectual in the rain. I am so bloody grown up.

And I’m thinking up good things, really fast.




Filed under Mumbo Letters, Mumbo Obsessions, Uncategorized

8 responses to “To my espresso machine

  1. Aubrey

    sometimes your blog reminds me of Betty Draper in Mad Men

  2. sophiestout1

    Yikes, I haven’t seen that, Aubrey. Can you give me a clue please?

  3. Aubrey

    um… let’s just say Betty is a women of hidden depths

  4. There’s nothing hidden about Soph’s depths. There all there on the surface for all to see.
    (I guess that makes them shallows!)

  5. I have to add that I wasn’t suggestion that Mumbo is shallow. Far from it. I was saying that her charms (including her exquisite brand of madness) are all very obvious within minutes of meeting her.


  6. sophiestout1

    Then I will keep an eye out for Betty… I think you are generous, Moz, even as you suggest I have more than a little in common with Screaming Lord Such/ Jordan.

  7. gethin

    Jesus! That fucking coffee machine is getting more T.L.C than me. I feel discarded – like a wank sock.

  8. sophiestout1

    That is so extremely rude I’m tempted to censor it but in the interests of free speech…
    If you can find a way to give me a strong caffeine hit in the morning, my dear, you may get more loving.

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