Rumour has it that, in an attempt to waste away, Mrs. Cruise has started to engage in bizarre eating rituals, like eating toast with a knife and fork.
When she was still on Dawsons Creek it is reasonable to assume she studied the Big Girls in their hit movies to see at which directors she should be fluttering her eyelashes.
So she will definitely have seen Sleeping with the Enemy and knows that faking her disappearance is the only way out of her Freddy Krueger marriage.
I say Top Marks! for innovative thinking and would like to offer her a few more techniques to avoid the ingestion of calories:
Put your plate of food on the other side of the table so that even with your utensils held in the tips of your fingers, extended on the end of your outstretched arms, you fail to secure that spoonful of cottage cheese.
Better yet, indulge yourself and fill the plate with banoffi pie and lard.
Call an English friend- say, Posh- and ask her who Kenny Everett was and how you may be able to get hold of his large, foam hands with which to eat your dinner.
These will make the knife and fork episode seem like fine dining.
Further, watch her steal your idea and judge her.
Go to a restaurant with pictures of the food. When the waiter comes, say this:
‘I’d like number 12 please. No, not the food represented in number 12 but picture number 12 cut out and put on a plate. Tell the press about this and I’ll have you knee-capped.’
Sneak in behind Renee Zellweger when she next goes for a Bridget Jones audition. Knock her sideways with a mean comment such as this:
‘Do you think Catherine Zeta-Douglas has a little smirk playing on her lips when she mentions your Best Supporting Actress Oscar?’
Then slip through the door, nail the part and enjoy eating professionally until a role for The Invisible Woman becomes available.
Call Posh and apologise for judging her (2 above).
Tell her you would like some background information on another British institution: the characters from the children’s television show, The Rainbow.
Then go to a fancy dress shop and hire Zippy*.
Put his head over your head before lunchtime and simply draw the zip across after Tom’s finished saying Scientology Grace.
(*buy Bungle too (whole outfit) and store him in the attic, in case none of the plans work)
Go to Yo Sushi! or another gastronomic conveyor belt in the Beverley Hills area and put your lettuce leaf on it.
Ask them to ramp up the speed and try to stab at it every time it passes.
If you send me an Upper Class Virgin Atlantic ticket I will join you because I think this would be fun.
Suck at the teat of Celebrity.
It has 0 calories and will pulverize your identity.
It also has lots of minerals and vitamins and makes you less prone to ear infections.