Merry Christmas x

Missing Aesop’s: Trunkless

There was once an elephant without a trunk.
He was bathing in the setting sun when an animal passed by and stopped.
‘What are you looking at?’ challenged the elephant.
‘You’re weird,’ replied the animal. ‘What beast are you?’
‘I’m an elephant,’ replied the elephant.
The animal looked at him. ‘But you haven’t got a trunk.’
‘Oh,’ replied the elephant. ‘That [...]

NHS Underhaul

God Bless Barack Obama, a misguided but well-meaning man.
High-quality healthcare for all does indeed sound appealing, along with those special garden centres that give away money tree seeds.
Here in the UK we’ve been letting every Tom, Dick and Harry get ill for free for over 60 years and what has been the result?
They’re doing it [...]

Sleeping

Sleeping is at once a necessity and a luxury. Being a restorative, unconscious kind of activity makes the lack of it more newsworthy than the doing of it.
It divides people into two camps: those who need a lot of it and those who don’t approve of it.
People who think they love sleeping are really saying [...]

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Whatever else it is, Fantastic Mr. Fox is bang on brief: a Wes Anderson interpretation of a Roald Dahl creation.
In other words, a quirky American sensibility brought to the grand-daddy of quintessentially English children’s authors. Quentin Tarantino doing Wordsworth might make for a similar coupling- interesting and accomplished but sort of very wrong.
The rustic-style stop-frame [...]

Why you are happy you don’t spend time with my head

A few weeks ago there was a daddy long legs with wings in the kitchen. It was shaking.
Daddy long legs with wings are actually called crane flies but it was still shaking.
I apologised for mistaking it for two mosquitoes mating before asking it this series of questions:
Are you shaking intentionally?
Is your nervous system damaged?
Do you [...]

Robbie Williams Confessional

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It’s been 36 years since my last Confession.
Father: Better late dan never, moi choild.
What would you loike to confess?
Me: Lots of stuff, really, but the worst of it has to do with Robbie Williams.
Father: Dat your fella?
Me: Jesus, no. Sorry, Father…
It’s more that I crave his suffering.
Father: Good [...]

Skinny Bunny

As adults we can choose to act childishly.
Amongst ourselves, behaving unreasonably and being found adorable for doing so is a privilege to be judiciously enjoyed.
Children rob you blind of this perk, sprawling greedily all over the territory, like Chris Moyles on a picnic blanket.
If you spend a lot of time with them the injustice mounts [...]

Rainy Monday morning

9.10 a.m: Email from the managing agents of our rented flat encompassing an ongoing goonery of such staggering accomplishment it is acquiring its own peculiar beauty:
‘Yes, you’re right, we did receive your cheque, rendering the second demand we sent you a paper joke. And while you’re at it, forget about the other demand for 5 [...]

one small issue…

In the meantime, my hands still work so please knock on my door if you need a baby gift: