Missing Aesop’s: Trunkless

There was once an elephant without a trunk.
He was bathing in the setting sun when an animal passed by and stopped.
‘What are you looking at?’ challenged the elephant.
‘You’re weird,’ replied the animal. ‘What beast are you?’
‘I’m an elephant,’ replied the elephant.
The animal looked at him. ‘But you haven’t got a trunk.’
‘Oh,’ replied the elephant. ‘That [...]

NHS Underhaul

God Bless Barack Obama, a misguided but well-meaning man.
High-quality healthcare for all does indeed sound appealing, along with those special garden centres that give away money tree seeds.
Here in the UK we’ve been letting every Tom, Dick and Harry get ill for free for over 60 years and what has been the result?
They’re doing it [...]

Sleeping

Sleeping is at once a necessity and a luxury. Being a restorative, unconscious kind of activity makes the lack of it more newsworthy than the doing of it.
It divides people into two camps: those who need a lot of it and those who don’t approve of it.
People who think they love sleeping are really saying [...]

Celestial note from the crane fly daddy long legs with wings

I was dancing, you megalomaniacal fruit loop.

Why you are happy you don’t spend time with my head

A few weeks ago there was a daddy long legs with wings in the kitchen. It was shaking.
Daddy long legs with wings are actually called crane flies but it was still shaking.
I apologised for mistaking it for two mosquitoes mating before asking it this series of questions:
Are you shaking intentionally?
Is your nervous system damaged?
Do you [...]

Oops

Dear Bruno,
Mummy would like to apologise for crippling you with terror on Hallowe’en night.
When the chap at the petting farm asked if you were old enough for the ‘Scary Tractor Ride’ as we stumbled through the pitch-black field, Mummy laughed because she thought he was making a funny joke.
It’s true, the green-faced witch [...]

Rainy Monday morning

9.10 a.m: Email from the managing agents of our rented flat encompassing an ongoing goonery of such staggering accomplishment it is acquiring its own peculiar beauty:
‘Yes, you’re right, we did receive your cheque, rendering the second demand we sent you a paper joke. And while you’re at it, forget about the other demand for 5 [...]

one small issue…

In the meantime, my hands still work so please knock on my door if you need a baby gift:

August Break

If it’s good enough for the French…
Back in September.
Thank you for visiting.

Confessions of a Guatemalan Worry Doll

My father is my hero, a man of courage and character.
My mother is a slut and I love her more than anything.
She has fiery red hair and hates peanuts so fiercely she made me draw a picture of one when I was 9 and pasted it on the top of our box, drawn through with [...]