Missing Aesop’s: Trunkless

There was once an elephant without a trunk.
He was bathing in the setting sun when an animal passed by and stopped.
‘What are you looking at?’ challenged the elephant.
‘You’re weird,’ replied the animal. ‘What beast are you?’
‘I’m an elephant,’ replied the elephant.
The animal looked at him. ‘But you haven’t got a trunk.’
‘Oh,’ replied the elephant. ‘That [...]

Skinny Bunny

As adults we can choose to act childishly.
Amongst ourselves, behaving unreasonably and being found adorable for doing so is a privilege to be judiciously enjoyed.
Children rob you blind of this perk, sprawling greedily all over the territory, like Chris Moyles on a picnic blanket.
If you spend a lot of time with them the injustice mounts [...]

The Lost Mr Men: Mr Credit Crunch

This is the sad story of Mr Credit Crunch.
Mr Credit Crunch lived in a little cottage in Commuter Town, while he had renovations done to his manor house, to put in an extra bedroom for his dog’s hairdresser and a botanical garden.
Not any more! Mr Shit, the bailiff came to take the house away from [...]

The Boss

Bruno: What’s on this week, Mummypenny?
Me: Nursery every morning, house stuff, bath-time.
Monday’s a big day for you: home for an early nap, then a ten-pin bowling birthday party.
Bruno: OK. Have you bought a present for that?
Me: Yes, I have.
Bruno: Good. Will a car be picking me up?
Me: No, we’ll take the underground.
Bruno: Fine. Bring a [...]

Bruno, 3yrs: A Life

I have energy. You could say I’m a man of action.
I’m the life and soul of the party when there is one and a pain in the bungalows when there isn’t. Hey, it’s not me that changes; there should be more parties.
I love having fun. Some people can’t live without books. Or sex. For me, [...]

Elves Stitch Small Fortune for Down-At-Heel Shoemaker

The air is heavy with the scent of Jo Malone candles, while underfoot you may trip over yet another empty bottle of vintage Dom Perignon.
Because under the low wooden beams of a village chalet in the Swiss mountains, Christmas has arrived early.
As an elderly shoemaker and his wife absent-mindedly toss another fistful of Euros onto [...]

Questions that would bring an adult sensibility to the Mr. Men books and ruin the reader’s innocent enjoyment of them: Part 2

1. Mr. Strong helps the farmer put out a fire in his cornfield. However, he needs very little persuasion to take advantage of the farmer’s gratitude, in order to feed his out-of-control egg habit, collecting an obscenely large basket of the chickens’ finest and using just one vulgar finger to carry the booty home.
Do the [...]

PC Selby visits his therapist

Therapist: You look different today, Arthur.
PC Selby: I trimmed my moustache.
Therapist: Have you got a date?
PC Selby: Yes. No. There’s a talk at the village hall tonight.
I thought if I went along I might bump into Dr. Gilbertson.
Therapist: You’ve heard she’s going?
PC Selby: So I believe. She’s giving it.
It’s about STD’s and how we can [...]

Postman Pat visits his therapist

Therapist: How are you today?
Pat: Oh, grand. Late with the mail again, you know, but folk’ll help.
Therapist: This is a safe place, Pat. Tell me how you really feel.
Pat: I don’t like rushing, is the thing. I make mistakes.
But there’s always some crisis and I’m bang in the middle. Good old Pat- he’ll help you [...]

Unbelievable

I came home yesterday at bad o’clock in the morning and walked into the darkness of the kitchen.
I saw a photo of Bruno on the screen of Gethin’s phone, that I haven’t seen before.
He is cute, smiling into the middle distance, with a knowing look.
For the first time I saw a glimpse of the man.
This [...]