Pork Week, Seattle, March 2009

Once upon a time, around the turn of the 21st Century, there was an American boy from the South, who found himself living in the Pacific Northwest.
A good thing.
Because there was an American girl from the East, who found herself living there too and they needed to meet and fall in love.
The boy spun yarns [...]

MasterChef: The Other Final

John: Gregg, this Final has taken the premium Waitrose biscuit.
Quite the most extraordinary moments of erotic gastronomy ever to have been jiggled in a MasterChef climax.
Gregg: I couldn’t agree more. The whole series has been a money shot. I’m toe-curlingly sated. I could even do some cuddling right now.
John: But this isn’t for sissies- [...]

Chocolate snob Dad

Dad: Ooh, what’s this? A present?
Son: Open it! Open it!
Dad: Mmm, smells like Daddy’s favourite. Is it, could it be… chocolate?
Son: Yes, Daddy, yes!
Dad: Hold on a minute, though. This looks like milk chocolate.
That’s not strictly speaking Daddy’s favourite now, is it?
Son: All chocolate favourite, Daddy.
Dad: Yes, you’re right. Silly Daddy. Let’s have a [...]

Gordon and Marcus: they love each other really

Gordon: I knew you’d be down here at 3 in the morning, shagging a rum baba.
Marcus: You read Waitrose magazine then?
Gordon: Ballsy choice for a mutiny that, you ungrateful, sniveling shit whippet.
I taught you every fucking swear word you know.
Marcus: Well, I think you’re a big, nasty bully and now everyone in Berkshire knows it.
And [...]

Recipe

Butter? Melted into warm balsamic vinegar?
Please don’t play with me, God. Don’t take me to the gates of paradise, only to laugh in my greedy, salivating chops.
This is a partnership I dared not imagine but it consummated in my large intestine last night and I’m glad for the experience.
I had the same frisson of joyous [...]

Hotel Breakfast

This is overwhelming. Feel completely overwhelmed.
There are choices on menus. But menus are conceptual.
As much about hope as hunger.
Here you can have it all. It’s excessive.
Got to be at least 10 tables joined together there, just to lay it out.
Would a member of staff intervene if someone went crazy?
‘I’m sorry, sir. I have to stop [...]

Eating Tiramisu

With butterfly anticipation I venture down a glowing passageway where sparks of light bounce off the walls.
As I get closer I see that they are being thrown off an oval convex stainless steel door at the end; it releases in a controlled motion with just the gentlest push.
As soon as I am through, it is [...]