Spitting carnation
Walking with flies undone
Spawning illegitimates
Giving the finger on Mother’s day
Mucking out in the garage
Greasy as a scratching
Grown up by ‘des idiots’
Acting like God’s gift
Wanted dead
For disturbing the peace
Of stylish nature
Me: Knock knock.
Death: Who’s there?
Me: Me.
Death: Me who?
Me: Me with flu.
Death: I don’t really think you’re knocking on my door, do you?
Be an optimist. Help yourself.
***
Me: Knock knock?
God: Who’s there?
Me: Me.
God: Me who?
Me: I thought you knew everything.
God: Me who?
Me: Me with flu and good intentions and a gift basket of beard-grooming essentials.
God: OK. Come [...]
Being an athlete totally suits my speed.
It’s about self-expression and the great outdoors- just me and my body in harmony with nature.
It’s also about sharing. Yeah, we compete but there’s a lot of love in the air after a race.
Every day I throw on a pair of shorts and a tee and go see my [...]
This is the sad story of Mr Credit Crunch.
Mr Credit Crunch lived in a little cottage in Commuter Town, while he had renovations done to his manor house, to put in an extra bedroom for his dog’s hairdresser and a botanical garden.
Not any more! Mr Shit, the bailiff came to take the house away from [...]
John: Gregg, this Final has taken the premium Waitrose biscuit.
Quite the most extraordinary moments of erotic gastronomy ever to have been jiggled in a MasterChef climax.
Gregg: I couldn’t agree more. The whole series has been a money shot. I’m toe-curlingly sated. I could even do some cuddling right now.
John: But this isn’t for sissies- [...]
Bruno: What’s on this week, Mummypenny?
Me: Nursery every morning, house stuff, bath-time.
Monday’s a big day for you: home for an early nap, then a ten-pin bowling birthday party.
Bruno: OK. Have you bought a present for that?
Me: Yes, I have.
Bruno: Good. Will a car be picking me up?
Me: No, we’ll take the underground.
Bruno: Fine. Bring a [...]
