Scary

Bond reminds me of Sunday afternoons when I was a little girl, asking my father to explain the plot over the noisy action scenes, in the days before video.
It clearly irritated him beyond measure, especially when I didn’t understand the explanation either.
He probably felt uncomfortable watching me copy him laughing at the sexual innuendos too.
Bond: [...]

Elves Stitch Small Fortune for Down-At-Heel Shoemaker

The air is heavy with the scent of Jo Malone candles, while underfoot you may trip over yet another empty bottle of vintage Dom Perignon.
Because under the low wooden beams of a village chalet in the Swiss mountains, Christmas has arrived early.
As an elderly shoemaker and his wife absent-mindedly toss another fistful of Euros onto [...]

Apple Tree

In a country garden I would like to be the apple tree
Reposed in solid euphoria
Breathing deeply in an orchard
*
Stretching longs limbs into the solemn soil
Caked in heavy earth but with my hair
Floating on the air above
*
Tousled in a wholesome beauty
Whimsical in bloom
Serious as fuck in yield
Flirting quietly in the eerie wind: a flower girl in [...]

Fag

Come here boy
You’ve come undone
There’s lipstick on your cheek
And I can tell you’ve been smoking
…….
Get undressed and I’ll enjoy you later
Get undressed and I’ll enjoy you later

Tiny

(click image to enlarge, irony notwithstanding)
Someone curious: What is this photograph of?
Tinyphile: Tiny things.
Someone curious: What tiny things?
Tinyphile: A little girl and a little boy silver pendant; the smallest Russian doll- she doesn’t get out enough; a miniature box of matches; a hand-made paper book; a worry doll; a baby jelly baby (deformed); two china [...]

Nicole and me

Nicole Kidman called me on my mobile last week.
‘Hi, it’s Nicole Kidman,’ she said.
‘Bloody hell, how did you get my number?’ I asked.
‘My personal assistant got it. I’ve seen you around and I like your style. I think we could be friends. I like that thing you do with your hair when it gets in [...]

Worry

If time is money, worrying is like paying yourself for a session of macabre fortune-telling.
It is without hope, sense and purpose.
It is uncreative, uninteresting and energy inefficient- a Hummer doing the school run.
Moreover, it is 100% unproductive, making absolutely nothing happen.
If a worry is realised, the time wasted on it only serves to compound the [...]

The Meaning of Life

I’ve been doing some work on the meaning of life.
Strictly speaking, the forbearance of life.
I’ve been doing it through the process of living, along with the rest of humanity.
But I got to thinking, if one’s on a mission to overcome the rubbish bits, why stop there?
Why not push on through and get close to the [...]

Childcare + The Sex Industry

Childcare can be confusing for men.
Why are there so many different names for the person who helps with the kids?
Don’t they just stick on the Tweenies and and call their boyfriends on the mobile?
Why won’t a doula do the school run?
Can’t it be simplified?
But, of course:
A live-in nanny: Mistress.

Questions that would bring an adult sensibility to the Mr. Men books and ruin the reader’s innocent enjoyment of them: Part 2

1. Mr. Strong helps the farmer put out a fire in his cornfield. However, he needs very little persuasion to take advantage of the farmer’s gratitude, in order to feed his out-of-control egg habit, collecting an obscenely large basket of the chickens’ finest and using just one vulgar finger to carry the booty home.
Do the [...]