Chocolate snob Dad

Dad: Ooh, what’s this? A present?
Son: Open it! Open it!
Dad: Mmm, smells like Daddy’s favourite. Is it, could it be… chocolate?
Son: Yes, Daddy, yes!
Dad: Hold on a minute, though. This looks like milk chocolate.
That’s not strictly speaking Daddy’s favourite now, is it?
Son: All chocolate favourite, Daddy.
Dad: Yes, you’re right. Silly Daddy. Let’s have a [...]

It’s not pyramid selling

I have joined the network marketing fraternity.
(It’s not pyramid selling. It’s sharing an exciting opportunity with friends.)
The company is called Forever Living Products.
Let’s get one thing straight. They are by no means suggesting usage of their products will make you live forever. Just a very, very long time. My sponsor is 203.
At its crux, some [...]

Why: update

Yesterday, the clouds stopped conferring and accidentally let a ray of sun through. While they were panicking around, trying to close the gaps, Bru and I raced to a pick-your-own farm and ate our own bodyweight in raspberries.
Although not quite as conspicuous as an Eastern European woman stalking around Kew Gardens in stilletos, I wasn’t [...]

PC Selby visits his therapist

Therapist: You look different today, Arthur.
PC Selby: I trimmed my moustache.
Therapist: Have you got a date?
PC Selby: Yes. No. There’s a talk at the village hall tonight.
I thought if I went along I might bump into Dr. Gilbertson.
Therapist: You’ve heard she’s going?
PC Selby: So I believe. She’s giving it.
It’s about STD’s and how we can [...]

Why

I’m planning on laying into old people quite soon. So tonight the higher order of cosmic justice passed something under my radar, to re-arrange my smug face.
My parents live at the top of an old people block of flats, in a seaside town with the highest proportion of old people in the universe.
My father likes [...]

Beer mat wisdom 3

Artists are people who find real life dull.
It’s why they are fun on public occasions and difficult in private ones.

Postman Pat visits his therapist

Therapist: How are you today?
Pat: Oh, grand. Late with the mail again, you know, but folk’ll help.
Therapist: This is a safe place, Pat. Tell me how you really feel.
Pat: I don’t like rushing, is the thing. I make mistakes.
But there’s always some crisis and I’m bang in the middle. Good old Pat- he’ll help you [...]

On fingernails

Get you, drumming on the table, hustling for attention. Are you proud to be growing still? Does it give you status to stand tall? Do you think people will suspect you have not been involved in domestic chores?
Think again, my pretties. The longer you get, the closer to tools you become. The more likely you [...]

Unbelievable

I came home yesterday at bad o’clock in the morning and walked into the darkness of the kitchen.
I saw a photo of Bruno on the screen of Gethin’s phone, that I haven’t seen before.
He is cute, smiling into the middle distance, with a knowing look.
For the first time I saw a glimpse of the man.
This [...]

Reassurance Policy

Ever stop to think what would happen to your loved ones if you became an insecure, self-loathing misanthrope?
Recent studies suggest 21st century pampered lifestyles erode our inner resources of self-reliance, leading to debilitating feelings of self-doubt.
Here at Smooth Talking Union we don’t think anyone should have to feel like a loser, which is why we’ve [...]