Businessman #2

I had another businessman dream last night.
Only this time things weren’t going so well.
I was in my NYC office about to meet with some decision-makers about a big deal.
The strategy spiel didn’t go so well but I knew I had the little logo guy up my sleeve to wow them with.
So I brandished it, like [...]

The sheep, who was not a sheep

There was once a cow.
‘I’m not a cow, I’m a sheep,’ he’s telling me.
He looked like a cow.
‘So do you but I’m not jumping to conclusions.’
There was once a ‘sheep’.
‘Not in inverted commas. You can always tell someone else’s story, you know.’
There was once a sheep.
On the whole he was content but he had [...]

Recipe

Butter? Melted into warm balsamic vinegar?
Please don’t play with me, God. Don’t take me to the gates of paradise, only to laugh in my greedy, salivating chops.
This is a partnership I dared not imagine but it consummated in my large intestine last night and I’m glad for the experience.
I had the same frisson of joyous [...]

Dragons’ Den

My sister suggested it would make a change if I took my head out of my rear end for a moment to engage with popular culture, where it might even be possible to enter into a dialogue with another human being about something we have both experienced.
So I watched Dragon’s Den on Monday night and [...]

Flirting with my builders

So you know the old one about the housewife waiting for the milkman in her negligee?
Well, it’s outdated; everyone knows that the noughties’ M.I.L.F buys her dairy from Waitrose. However, there is another kind of serviceman in great abundance on the streets of central London today.
Bob the Builder!
He shouts flattering obscenities at you in the [...]

Upwardly mobile

I’ve upgraded my mobile phone and as a result I feel upgraded as a person.
I’m not really into gadgets because I’m too lazy to learn how to use them. So I have adopted a counter-cultural point of view, to protect myself: by pretending that I don’t care about the make and model of my roaming [...]

In the mood for pseud: morality

The moral absolutism of conservatives, paraded as integrity, is actually a luxury they afford themselves because they know they probably won’t be naughty.
The moral relativism of liberals, worn as open-mindedness, is an insurance policy they adopt because they know they probably will.
If, like me, you are too principled to be naughty and too naughty to [...]

The Darwins hatch their evil plan

John: Tell you what, we’re skint as you like.
Anne: How come? Where’s the money gone?
John: Luxury dog biscuits. Told you they’d be just as chuffed with the ones from Kwik Save.
Anne: What are we going to do?
John: You could get a job down’t cheese shop.
Anne: Sod off. I’m entering my twilight years. I should be [...]

The Montessori Mob (by Bruno, 3 yrs)

Violet was a cool blond with mob connections at my Montessori nursery school.
She had a closet busting at the seams with floaty skirts and a teddy bear with curves in all the right places.
Everyone knew she was Jimmy’s girl but I’d seen her go home with Arthur more than once. Arthur wore red braces and [...]

Nicole and Keith at loggerheads

Nic: Keith, can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Keith: Yes, babe.
Nic: What the Castlemaine XXXX are these?
Keith: Babygrows with days of the week written on them, babe.
Nic: Are you mocking our precious love gift?
Keith: No, babe. I just thought they were pretty bonzer.
Nic: Only for one day of the week, you drongo! How’s [...]