Dress: Have you kids been long in this wardrobe?
Legwarmers: Are you trying to be funny? One of us has got piles. We miss Bergerac.
Dress: You were swinging during disco.
Legwarmers: Cool. Were you a part of all that?
Dress: No, darlings. I’m in my 60’s.
Legwarmers: You’re looking good.
Dress: I’m a vintage piece.
Legwarmers: We’re old too.
Dress: You’re not [...]
Entries from June 2008
June 27, 2008
Depressed Legwarmers
June 25, 2008
Beermat wisdom 2
The only real tragedy is death.
We are the survivors.
We are still in the game.
June 23, 2008
Son of Manimal
(click on image to enlarge)
Art critic: How is this piece the metaphorical offspring of ‘Manimal’?
Artist: It isn’t. It’s the actual offspring.
He’s the lovechild of Elmo and one of the zoo animals.
Art critic: But I thought Elmo was their opposite- in some way their captive.
Artist: There was an element of Stockholm Syndrome, you’re right.
But fundamentally, beasts [...]
June 20, 2008
Vitriolic cheesemonger
Whoopedoo, first Sunday of the month, time for the Farmer’s Market.
Never any of you here, though, are there?
‘Sorry, got to pretend to be milking my cows while I drink beer in the cowshed. But the wife and daughter will bring along some soiled carrots.’
Don’t worry, Farmer Giles. I’ll get up at 3 in the morning, [...]
June 18, 2008
Whodunnit?
Recently, we gifted one 5.30 a.m-rising toddler to a set of his doting grandparents, took the Citroen Picasso from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds and made off for a Week-end Break, with the intention of sleeping through it.
While the majority of media professionals are slathering on Cowshed products in the boutique rooms of Babington [...]
June 16, 2008
Questions that would bring an adult sensibility to the Mr. Men books and ruin the reader’s innocent enjoyment of them: Part 1
1. In Mr. Chatterbox, Mr. Bowler has magical powers that enable him to fashion a hat which grows/decreases in size in proportion to the wearer’s propensity to talk.
Isn’t it a waste that he is still in the hat business?
2. At the beginning of his story, Mr. Greedy is fat but content and wakes up with [...]
June 13, 2008
Riddle 1
Rich people delegate me.
Poor people use me to pay the bills.
Most things like me wet.
Expensive things like me dry.
Bodies want me at least once a day.
Children need me all the time.
I’d be out of business if no-one had a nose.
Every bloody thing in the house that walks, talks, breathes or sits inanimately in the wretched [...]
June 12, 2008
Angelina’s womb
Twin 1: But I don’t want a stylist and a stupid name. I want to be a normal baby.
Twin 2: Jeez, you are one negative little embryo.
Next you’ll be saying rehab’s boring. It goes with the territory- roll with it.
Twin 1: You mean you’re ready for the media scrutiny?
Twin 2: That’s a big fat Yes! [...]
June 10, 2008
Hotel Breakfast
This is overwhelming. Feel completely overwhelmed.
There are choices on menus. But menus are conceptual.
As much about hope as hunger.
Here you can have it all. It’s excessive.
Got to be at least 10 tables joined together there, just to lay it out.
Would a member of staff intervene if someone went crazy?
‘I’m sorry, sir. I have to stop [...]
